SpongeBob has spine to carry on amid allegations 

The Indy needs to set the record straight about some recent allegations regarding homosexuality. The news traveled so quickly and became so big that by Tuesday, Oct. 8, it was a cover story in the widely respected Wall Street Journal. The Journal even went so far as to write in their headline that there is something about this guy that “whispers ‘gay.’”

Of course, we’re talking about the recent phenomenon who makes his home, not in Montana, but in a town under the sea called Bikini Bottom.

Yes, it’s true—some have suggested that SpongeBob SquarePants is gay.

He’s never been a hairdresser or applied cream to a man’s temples, but he does hold hands with close friend Patrick and his favorite show is “The Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy.” The massive Nickelodeon hit has novelty shops in Manhattan populated by a gay clientele selling out of campy SpongeBob lunch pails, pillows and posters.

SpongeBob, unfazed by revelations about his alleged sexual orientation, has decided to remain on the air. Apparently even wet sponges have enough backbone to ignore unfounded allegations and carry on.

President George W. Bush might think twice about bombing Iraq when he hears who he’s up against now: the faculty senate of the University of Montana.

Last week, faculty senators voted 17-11 with five abstentions to pass a resolution to oppose war with Iraq “unless all avenues of peaceful resolution are pursued and exhausted.” Members both delighted and disgusted with the recent turn of events are wondering what they’re supposed to do next. In a phone conversation before the meeting, Chair Karen Hill said that if the “peace” resolution passed, the faculty senate will do…“Nothing.” At the meeting, she said that although the resolution was approved, mum’s the word: “It’s not that we go out and beat any drums with it.” Raise a glass—more oil, anyone?—to closet advocacy.

Health and human performance professor Gene Burns drafted and presented the proposal. He says he was inspired by his late father, who was a hawk all his life, yet opposed to invading Iraq. “We don’t have a crystal ball,” Burns says. “But it could be a fiasco.”

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