Independent Staff

It’s 11:38 A.M. on Tuesday; do you know where your children are? Because they’re probably in school.

But what are they learning about? Oh, we’d all like to sit back in our Aeron office chairs and think they’re listening to a lecture on supply-side economics or accounting, but the curriculum more likely focuses on environmental advocacy, social justice or some other academic racket designed to plant the scourge of institutional doubt on young minds. In short, insurrection.

If we as a community can draw any lesson from the recent Story of Stuff debacle at Big Sky High School, it’s that public education cannot be effectively counted on to subtly control our children’s minds, or even stick to a textbook. Sure, the school board chastised the teacher for showing a propoganda film to her 12th grade wildlife biology class, but it’s only a matter of time before Bill Maher and the ghost of Chairman Mao go marching into our schools with their anti-capitalist intifada.

Fortunately, we have a solution: home schooling.

Arguments like the one provoked by the Story of Stuff proliferate a false reality that liberal educators often allow to go unanswered. Kids don’t actually absorb much in school, compared to say, MySpace. And for the unfortunate parents of those who do show aptitude for formal education, relief is as close as the kitchen table, or basement closet, or anywhere else they might fit a chair and bare light bulb.

Through home schooling, parents can filter out disagreeably one-sided tripe. Even more importantly, they can ensure kids see only the one-sided tripe our founding fathers would approve of. At the very least, a child won’t come home crying over having supposedly murdered Cambodians by purchasing gloves from Wal-Mart the weekend before. That child will not have left the house in the first place.

Home schooling also promotes the freedom of parenting. By choosing to educate your own kids, you’re free to tell them that Protestants have tails, that Hillary Clinton first contracted AIDS from monkeys and that Moses tried to file a land claim in Israel because he knew Muslims would try to take it one day. Better yet, your children are free to believe you.

So, go ahead—do it. Pull your kids out now. And if you deduce that any part of this column is disingenuous, you’re also free to quit your job and become public school teachers.
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