Pyromania Fireworks, located about 30 minutes outside Missoula near Evaro Hill, touts an expansive inventory of "insane, not mundane" explosives. The names of their products seem to back up the tagline, as rows of One Bad Mother-in-Law, Blond Joke, The Happy Hour, Adults Only, Cover Yo' Ears, Honey Badger and thousands of others fill the store's big-top canvas tent.
To prepare for this year's Fourth of July festivities, Pyromania salesman Shawn Wheeler helped list the store's most popular or noteworthy selections.
Joe 6 Pack, $49.95
He may only have a 2-inch barrel, but Joe will go higher, deliver a louder bang and offer a bigger burst than the other guys. Joe packs the 500-gram legal limit of powder, but with only nine shots in a cake he generates a substantial bang for the buck.
Exploding Bin Laden Noggin, $1
Sort of self-explanatory, but the package elaborates with this description: "Bin Laden has finally met his match. His screams end with a finishing blow to the head." God bless America.
Biggen Family Pack Assortment, $624
Indecisive? Play it safe with this mega box, which satisfies all your explosive desires with 424 bangs for $624 bucks. Wheeler says he sells between 10 and 15 of these each season and believes it's what any typical American family would need for an eventful Fourth of July party. "If they were gettin' after it, this box would last 45 minutes to an hour," he says. "The cakes go quick but the individual mortar shells will slow you down." Don't they always?
Missoula City Special, $100
Remember: Missoula enacted a "zero-tolerance" policy on fireworks within city limits this year. Offenders will be ticketed and fined as much as $100.
Rip Snorter, $49.95
Wheeler's top pick because "it provides a big badass burst."
The Beef Cake, $7.95
Not very tall, but certainly wide and handsome. Warning: The package notes that this Beef Cake "shoots flaming balls."