As nerds already know all too well, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
opens this weekend. The big-ass blockbuster poses to pit the Dark Knight against Mr. Clark Kent in a epic superhero faceoff. Though I'm not a huge comic book nerd, my friends are. That's how I ended up at a sports bar on Reserve Street last night, watching 23 TVs at once while we waited for the 9:30 IMAX screening of Batman v Superman
. I knew basically nothing going into this movie—in fact I saw the trailer for the first time while sitting in the bar—and let me tell you, if only I knew then what I know now.
Also, there are some minor spoilers in here, but don't pretend like you didn't know there would be explosions and CGI in a superhero movie.
1. Batman v Superman is two and a half hours long
2. It begins with An Origin Story, as if the audience is unaware that Batman is just an extremely wealthy, attractive and *tormented* soul. Oh, and you betcha it includes several pointless dream sequences just so we really understand how *tormented* Batman is.
3. Jeremy Irons, who is not Michael Caine, plays Alfred.
4. Ben Affleck is not Christian Bale. (Okay, so I had not anticipated how loyal I am to director Christopher Nolan's take on Batman.)
5. Amy Adams plays Lois Lane, a newspaper journalist. She spends the entire film in platform heels and a pencil skirt. I assure you this is a highly accurate portrayal of journalism.
6. At one point, Lois Lane demands that the Daily Planet
editor get her the "Daily Planet
chopper" so she can go rescue Clark Kent or something. (In case you are wondering, the Independent
's chopper is a beanie with a propeller on it.)
7. Superman can punch through buildings, survive nuclear explosions and shoot laser beams with his eyes, but as Clark Kent, he can't stand up to his editor about how to write an article. This does seem accurate, actually. Editors: more powerful than Superman.
8. Henry Cavill, who I saw described somewhere as a "human butter sculpture," spends most of the film with his clothes on. I did find his Supersuit to be satisfactorily revealing of his Supergluteus.
9. We first saw Henry Cavill as Superman in 2013's Man of Steel,
which was also bloated and so ridiculous that Henry Cavill's amazing jawline could not save it.
Scientists even estimated that the destruction depicted in Man of Steel would actually have killed more people than 9/11
. None of these lessons were learned for Batman v Superman
. Good job, "superheroes!"
10. Don't even get me started on the CGI action scenes, but let me just say this: in the middle of the movie, the government fires nuclear missiles in the sky over Metropolis with no compunction.
11. Jesse Eisenberg (who, by the way, my mother believes is the same person as Michael Cera) plays Lex Luthor. He does a pretty good job of playing an unhinged bad guy, and at one point you see snot run down his nose and he doesn't wipe it. Gah. So evil.
12. The film shoehorns a bunch of other heroes in it for no reason other than to preview upcoming spinoffs, including Aquaman and Wonder Woman. Let us pray these films are better.
13. CGI. My god, the CGI.
14. Reminder: this film is two and a half hours long
, even though the entire plot can be described in about five sentences.
15. I saw Batman v Superman
with one of the most diehard Batman fans I know—I mean, he has an entire display case of memorabilia and goes as Batman every year for Halloween, and also dresses up his dog as Robin. My friend is now utterly despondent.