Hello everyone, 'tis Candy Wednesday, which means we here at Indy World Headquarters are riding a delightful sugar high and writing weird metaphors. Join us.
Today we present a licorice battle, because one of us believes that black licorice is disgusting, and the other one doesn't believe red licorice counts as licorice.
Erika says: Kookaburra licorice is a classic but the other day I found Old English Licorice made with fresh cream and butter. It's black licorice—in other words, true licorice—but mixed with a caramel goodness.
Erika says: As with all candy, this reminds me of something from the past. For a long time I was afraid to admit I liked black licorice. My mom is an adamant chocolate fanatic and she has all the things to prove it, like a Chocolate Lover key chain. She absolutely subscribes to the joke that chocolate is a food group. She does not understand that there are people in the world that don't like chocolate. My dad was all about black licorice, just not nearly as vocal about it. So for years I loved two candies (okay, all candies) but never really explored the licorice one, except for experimenting with it in college. (Wait, what are we talking about?) When I finally came out as a polyamorous candy lover, I was accepted as such and felt better about myself. I can freely love these licorice caramels.
Kate says: I loved the idea of licorice caramels until I realized these really are black licorice-flavored caramels. You know how some people perceive cilantro as tasting like soap? To me, black licorice tastes like something wiped straight out of Satan's butt. (And shredded coconut is the devil's creepy dead skin.) I can take a bite of black licorice flavored stuff, like jellybeans, and it's okay until I swallow, and then the aftertaste is just repellent. (That's what she said?)
Erika says: You're a hater. But look, the issue here isn't that red licorice isn't good. It can be. It's just that it's no more licorice than creationism is science. Yeah, that's right, Kate. I called you a creationist.
Kate says: Show me where red licorice diverged from black in the candy fossil record, Candy Darwin.
Kate says: Now then, these Red Rips are right up my alley, with a painfully tart/sweet flavor found nowhere in heaven, hell or earth. They count as licorice because it says they're licorice right there on the package, see. The "innovation" here is that you can pull the little strings apart, like Twizzlers pull-and-peels, but the sour sugar coating makes them much more addictively tasty. Even water tastes funny after eating these.
Verdict: The battle rages on eternal.
Email firstname.lastname@example.org to suggest a candy we should try, or try to argue that black licorice isn't disgusting.