We'd hoped to send a reporter into space today for an exclusive interview with Xenu, dictator of the Galactic Confederacy and butt of many a Scientology wisecrack, but he canceled early this morning. Apparently his hair stylist had a last minute opening. We were pretty hurt.
The world finds itself once again in the grips of April Fool's Day, a time when headlines shouldn't always be trusted and our email inboxes runneth over with unconvincing press releases. And not all the jokes popping up today sound as lame as ours (did you really think we'd waste our time chatting with a creep like Xenu?). The first reminder that it was, indeed, April 1 came with Google's gag that it was experiencing a vowel outage. Good one. Then we heard Hulu was going 3D. Not nearly as funny, but plausible enough to get some attention. Google weighed in again later, announcing the company would be changing its name to Topeka. Now that tickles the funny bone.
From there the day seemed to spiral into the absurd, and it's not even 5 p.m. We could go on and on with the shenanigans we've stumbled across so far, but we'll let those with running tallies take over.
Be sure to pick up next week's issue, when we expose a conglomerate of dental practitioners operating out of a western Montana compound who secretly fund the Easter Bunny's global exploits. Yes, we know we're lame.